-B07-

Operator: “Nine nine one. What is your emergency?”

Man: “Hoowee! I’m in a helluva *hic* pre-dic-ca-mutt. If you can git someone over here quick, that’d be REAL gud right now. Hoo... Oh man, I’m in some reall bad trouble trouble... *burp*”

Operator: “Yes, sir. Okay. Can you tell me where you are?”

Man: “Uh, yup.”

Operator: “Do you know the address of your location?”

Man: “Um, yeah... Sure... Uh... I’m at the, uh, corner of Suneee Pines Drive and Beach Boulevard. I think there’s a gym place here... And, oh yeah, there’s the shit heads at the express oil change that fucked up my truck.”

Operator: “Okay, sir. I’ve got that down. What’s the exact nature of your emergency?”

Man: “Oh lord... I just need one of you all to come on down here. I got get out here NOW. Fast as you can. Shit’s gun git real if I don’t get out of here! Bad things are going to happen to me!”

Operator: “Okay, sir. What bad things are going to happen? Are you in danger right now?”

Man: “Oh hell, I dun know what will happen to me... Yet... But, it’s gonna be bad. *hic* *belch* Yup. Bad. Real bad this time. I just know it! I got about fifteen minutes before it’s all going to go down. Whew, feel a little dizzy just thinking about it.”

Operator: “Okay, understand sir, I’m here to help you. Do you need me to send an officer out?”

Man: “Oh hell naw! Me and cops don’t git along. Never have. And I dun think a cop will help me out here. Might get the wrong idea.”

Operator: “Okay, um, is this a medical emergency? Have you been injured? Are you sick? I do need more information before I can send assistance, sir.”

Man: “Okay, um, listen... *cough* *spit* I need someone that can drive real fast through traffic and pick me up. Take me AWAY from here. Maybe one of them ambulances or something. Uh. Yeah! They get through traffic fast! That’ll work. Send me an ambulance!”

Operator: “Okay... Sir... It sounds like you are intoxicated. Have you been drinking tonight? Maybe had more than usual and aren’t feeling good?”

Man: “I-uh, I guess you can say that. Yeah, for me to be in this much trouble... Shit, I had way too many beers. Lawd, my stomach definitely hates me right now. *burp* Should not have had so much before I got there. Whew, oh, and those hot wings aren’t sitting with me right.”

Operator: “I understand, sir. I am sending an ambulance your way. They be there as soon as possible.”

Man: “Oh, thank you so much. That’s *snort* *cough* gud to know. Get this all sorted before it gits bad.”

Operator: “Just stay on the line until you are instructed to hang up. When they arrive, they will check you out and see if you need to go to the hospital.”

Man: “A-whut? Hospital?! *belch* I don’t need to got to no hospital! Well, uh, not yet. I need to go on down Southside Boulevard! As fast as they can take me!”

Operator: “Um, okay... What’s on Southside Boulevard that you need to get to in a hurry with an ambulance?”

Man: “The Hooters!”

Operator: “... ... Excuse me, sir? Did I hear you correctly? You said-”

Man: “Yeah, the Hooters! Between the steak house and the Loco Taco. Yah, you know? The one right in front of the movie theater!”

Operator: “Oh. Huh. Sir, am I understanding this correctly... *long breath* You called nine one one in order to request emergency services to send you an emergency vehicle to pick you up... And... god as my witness... Take you to the Hooters on Southside Boulevard? Is that correct?”

Man: “Yes! That’s it!”

Operator: “I’m sorry, sir. This is nine one one. We handle emergency situations. If you want, I see about forwarding your call to a taxi service. But, unless you have an actual emergency, I will need to-”

Man: “It is an emergency, god dammit!”

Operator: “Explain to me how is this an emergency... Sir.”

Man: “Listen, I’ll tell ya. Me and boys met up over there after work. They were running a special on wings and beer. And Billy Bob had a gift card he’d been wanting to use. I MUST of have had one too many, because I forgot my god damned wallet there! My girl is coming home in like ten minutes! If I don’t give my half of the rent TONIGHT, she’s going to ask questions about where the hell itis! And, oh lawd, if she finds out I was at that Hooters AGAIN talking to that girl tonight... It ain’t going to be pretty!”

Operator: “And because you are intoxicated, you called us for ride?”

Man: “Whut? Oh, hell naw. That never stopped me. I called you all because the fuckers at the oil change fucked up my truck and it won’t fucking start!”

Operator: “I’m sorry, sir. Unless you have an actual emergency, I need hang up and keep the line clear.”

Man: “Shit! Hell, there WILL be an emergency!”

Operator: “Yes?”

Man: “Next ten minutes, send the police over! There’s going to be a murder! Let me tell you the name of the woman who’s going to kill me, and save the damned cops the trouble of figuring it out!”